In my first post I shared some of the emotions that I was feeling when I was laid off. I hope by being honest and sharing my struggles it will help to encourage those of us who want to stay but can’t. I am not saying that this is the 3 or 5 step plan you need to follow to help you move on, but these are some of the first steps I took to process the experience. It is just a recounting of the process that I have walked after I was laid off.

As I was leaving I wanted to show grace. The ministry was never about me. I remember praying many times God would be revealed in the ministry and HE would be real in students lives. I was not the most important thing in these students lives. I also needed Jesus to be real in my life. I could not speak badly about the church nor the pastor. Right after the lay off, I spent the day hiking and just soaking God’s creation. While I was looking out over the valley below me, I heard the song by Derek Webb called “The Church.” In it he says “that if you love me you will love my church.” It was so difficult to hear but I realized I could not turn my back on Jesus and what He has done for me on the cross or in my life thus far. There is a part of me that still struggles with or wants to walk away from my faith because of this experience. It was also key to remember the Church is the bride of Christ and I must respect it as His bride. I could not speak ill about my Savior’s bride, no matter how deeply I hurt.

I had to get out of the situation. I could not continue to worship or attend this church after it came to light that those who were the closest to me personally (including some of those directly involved in the student ministry) had known for months that the layoff was coming. I had to even distance myself from the friends who stayed but would get together with me still and speak poorly about the pastor or how the church was still struggling. We had the students to my house to say goodbye. Students and their parents did not understand why they were saying goodbye when I was not moving to another church. I really didn’t understand either.

I had to find someplace to heal. I had to fall back in love with the “Godness” of God. I had to see His sovereignty. I had to taste and see that He was good. We eventually got settled in another church. It was such a different experience to be just a church member and not have responsibilities on Sunday mornings. It took some serious time to figure how to not critique and evaluate but to just worship. To be thankful for the reminders of God’s grace throughout the service. I was able to talk with the pastor and he was very supportive and encouraging. He was open, friendly, and teachable. He spoke honestly to my life and allowed me to speak honestly to him. He allowed me to teach parents, be involved in the starting of a men’s ministry, and even fill in the pulpit for him one Sunday.

We were also receiving counseling. Counseling did remind of some basics I knew but was not practicing. I had to be reading God’s word regularly, talk to God regularly, and serve faithfully. I just was not sure I could put my heart out there and love students as I had as a youth pastor. I did not want to invest the emotional capital and risk the emotional energy if things did not work out. I did not want to hurt students but I also did not want to hurt myself or my family. So I held back as I attended church regularly and tried to get involved with the student ministry. It just hurt so bad. I did not know what I was supposed to be doing at youth group. I felt like the creepy older guy. I did not have a role or place to really plug-in.

Finally I found I was asking God to be faithful to me and He was & is. He provided work for my wife for the months following my lay off. He provided connections to get connected with my current full-time job which allows us to keep the roof over our head and some food on the table. The problem was that I was not being faithful to Him. I was not serving and using the gifts and talents He had given me. I said to myself I wanted to be quality youth worker for the student ministry at my current church. I have found the more faithful I am to the student ministry the more of an impact I am able (by God’s grace) to make a difference in a student, youth worker, or parent’s life. It has blessed my heart and soul and helped it heal.

I am not sure I will ever say I am 100% over it. To be honest, even as I wrote this post I found myself getting angry. I have had to ask my family and wife many times to forgive me for getting angry. I am thankful for their love and grace as I walk through this whole process. A truth I have learned in a whole new way: “I do know that God loves me and has a plan for my life. I know that He is working all things together for my good. I will seek to be faithful to Him since He has been, is, and will be faithful to me.”

I would love to hear if this has been helpful for you.  If so, please leave a comment below and share: