January 10^th 2010 is a date that has marked my life probably more than my birthday, anniversary, and birth of children combined. It was the day my pastor was going to reveal to us staff members (one by one) the vision and plan to turn a corner in the recent struggling history of the church. I was excited about getting to see what was next for our church. I was approaching 3 years at this church and really felt like I was really making progress in our efforts as a student ministry.

January 10^th however, ended up being the day I was laid off. It was the day I was told that I “don’t fit.” It was the day that my life got sideswiped. I remember sitting in a daze in my pastor’s office as he talked about something that I really wasn’t paying attention to because I had just been told I “don’t fit,” and no longer have a position at this church. They were going to cut the finances for my position and therefore I would not have a job any more. This happened 2 months after my son was born and three days before my ninth wedding anniversary. This was not where I expected to be in my career/ ministry.

I left his office with a cloud of emotions following me. I intend to share emotions with the hope we can all grow from this experience. I honestly had so many emotions swirling in my head that it was a bit surreal. I hope that as I write about these emotions you will identify and see that your feelings are not stupid.

I was feeling very confused about what just happened. This was not what I thought would be happening that day. I was ready for my pastor to be leading me and the church to whatever was next. How could a church vote to call me to pastor their students and families but then a select committee of people vote to remove my position? I immediately went to my office and gathered some of my stuff to go home. As I stood in my office I was lost as to what was next. I called my wife on the phone as she was going to pick up our daughter from school. My wife rushed home to be with me. I was barely holding it together. I was speechless.

When I think about this concept of being told, “I don’t fit” I still get angry, even as I have written this post, I find myself wrestling with anger over the whole situation. It still affects my relationships and causes me concern as I think about serving with another pastor. I am constantly confessing to my wife, kids, that when I get angry about stuff, it usually is because I am dwelling on my situation rather than the sovereignty of God. This experience has caused me to doubt, wonder my decisions in ministry, and even my general leadership style.

So, all that to say I am a mess and I am reminded every day that I am sinner in need of a savior. I have to ask God to forgive me and I also get thank God for loving me. Stay tuned when I share in the next post, some of the steps that have helped me through this situation.

Have you ever experience a situation like this, when you want to say but can’t?  How do you respond when you begin feeling you “don’t fit?”  Have you doubted your ministry?  I would love for you to leave a comment and share: