How are you doing at balancing family and ministry?

The demands of ministry on a Youth Pastor can be never-ending.  In many ways you are expected to be on call 24/7.

Throw in the time it takes to prepare each week, plan that next event, go to that ballgame/middle school band concert (yikes)/water polo match/etc., and there can be little time left for family.

Much is and has been said about fighting for balance with family and ministry.  But there is a HUGE problem with this…and you probably will not like it…

What is the problem with fighting for balance?

There is no such thing as balance when it comes to family and ministry.

Wait…what?!  

There is no such thing as balance when it comes to family and ministry.  Yeah, it didn’t sound any better the second time did it?

Now, before you go grab the tar and feathers, let me explain.

This may be one of the most important posts I have written.  It is a huge contributor to why Youth Pastors leave around the 2-3 year mark.  It is also a major reason many Youth Pastors are discouraged and struggling to find joy in ministry.

So, take the time to read through this post carefully (there’s a lot here), then leave a comment at the end telling me how this will affect your family and ministry.

Is it really so wrong to fight for balance?  Yes it is, and here is why.

We talk about fighting for balance because it sounds right.  It sounds nice.  It sounds like something we should be doing.

There are however some issues with this idea of striving and fighting for balance.

First of all, you really won’t find anywhere in Scripture where pastors are encouraged to live and minister with a balance of family and ministry.

I am fully aware of the responsibilities laid out for the pastor to manage his family well.  I am also aware of the expectation and responsibility a spouse has to the other.

I would argue though, that this does not necessarily mean “balance”.  I also don’t think being balanced in these necessarily makes you more effective in either category.

Second, balance really is impossible to achieve and maintain.  You will always be going back and forth from one to the other.

Last time i checked, if I tried to balance by flopping back and forth while riding my mountain bike that doesn’t classify as balance.  Sure I pedal on each side, but not equally all the time either.

If I find myself facing an obstacle that is rather large, I will position the pedals in such a way that I am able to pedal with my stronger leg in order to be able to go over the obstacle.  Likewise, I do not always pedal with the same amount of speed or force.

Life is the same way.  Sometimes you will need to press harder or faster in one area than another.

Third, certain seasons of life and ministry require more of your time and commitment than others.

When you are first married or have a newborn in your home, your family requires more of your time and attention than it will at other times in your life (especially in the middle of the night…right when you fall asleep…and the baby decides to wake up…just because).

When you are new in a position or role at a church, it will also require more of your time and commitment than it will later on down the road.  In both of these cases, if you fail to put more time into these areas during these times, you will severely damage the joy and success that comes later.

Devoting more time to family than ministry is not balanced.  Likewise, devoting more time to ministry than family is not balanced either.

Fourth, when actively fighting for balance in family and ministry, ministry always seems to suffer.

I’m not going to lie, even saying that makes me feel like a loser.  However, I know it is true.  I have seen it in my life, and I have seen it in others.

There is definitely a tendency to devote way too much time to ministry and let the family suffer.  That is not at all what I am saying should happen.

What I am merely pointing out is that we tend to overcompensate for this and swing so far in the other direction that we neglect our ministries.

Of course we would say that the calling of God on our lives as parents, spouses and believers is a serious one.  We know that we cannot lay our families on the altar for the sake of ministry.

We cannot also, neglect the calling on our lives for ministry for the sake of perceived balance.  Both callings are of importance.  Which leads to my next point.

You cannot have a healthy ministry without a healthy family, and you cannot have a healthy family without a healthy ministry.

These go hand in hand.  Sound like balance?  It isn’t.

Balanced, or equal time and effort to each of these over time will actually destroy both (see previous points).  You must spend the time and effort in each that is required along the way.

This may be easier to point out from the opposite perspective.

If your family life is in shambles and your marriage is on the brink of disintegrating, clearly you will not be able to minister as effectively as you should.

If your ministry is in shambles and you are struggling or battling depression as a result, you will be of little use to your family.

You will always feel that you are letting the other down when you are continually fighting for balance.

If you are always trying to make sure you are balancing family and ministry, you will always find yourself feeling guilty for where you are not currently pouring into.  In the end, this is all for nothing.

You are fighting for balance at the expense of everything.  Because you are always focused so much on fighting for balance, you are unable to really devote the time and commitment they need individually.  As a result, they both suffer.

There is no such thing as balance when it comes to family and ministry.

So what should you do?  How do you manage all this?  Is it okay to forsake one for the benefit of the other?

The fact of the matter is that without a ministry, you can have a family.  Whether or not you are being faithful and obedient in that is really something only you can know as you seek God in that.

If your family falls apart, you will likely lose your ministry.  God had called me to be a husband and father first.  I must do that well.

That does not however give me an excuse to neglect the ministry He has called me to either.  I should strive to do both and do both well.

So…dear Youth Pastor, please stop fighting for balance.

Your family needs you too much; your ministry as well.  Your family needs your intentional focus and effort.  Your ministry needs your intentional time and effort.

Instead of fighting for balance, strive for health.

While you may not find fighting for balance in Scripture, you will certainly see many examples of leading a healthy family and a healthy ministry.

Striving for health is a much different concept than fighting for balance.  Here is how…

Striving for health means you are always being intentional with family and with ministry.

Being intentional does not mean always devoting the same amount of time and effort to each.  Again, there will be many seasons where your family will need more of your time and effort than your ministry will.

While giving more time and effort to your family, you can still be very intentional with the time you have to devote to your ministry, and vice versa.

This is really the key.  Devote the time and attention needed to both family and ministry as needed along the way.  By being intentional with the other you can still remain healthy in both.

Striving for health means you have to set clear boundaries for both family and ministry.

These boundaries may change through different seasons of life and ministry, but they are essential for health in your family and your ministry.  Everyone may not have the have the same boundaries either.

Someone who is striving to be physically healthy will set dietary boundaries.  They may also set boundaries around exercise and sleep.  Doing so is essential for them to have optimal health.

Without these boundaries there are no safeguards to help guide you.  Ministry will over take family quickly, and family can choke out ministry.  Before you know it, you will be spending much of your time with ministering to family…just not yours.

These boundaries may be something as simple as not taking phone calls in the evenings.  Making sure your day off is actually a day off.

Whatever these boundaries are, make sure you talk them over with your spouse if you are married.  You will also need to make sure you communicate them to those in your ministry.  Just make sure that when you do, it is not taken as “I don’t have time for you.”

Striving for health also means taking time to evaluate the health regularly.

Because life and ministry bring different seasons we must stop frequently and evaluate how healthy we are in each area.  Again this is different from trying to discern whether or not we are fighting for balance.  We are looking for health.

If you fail to stop and evaluate you will slide into an unhealthy pattern and likely sabotage both your family and your ministry.  There is a reason we go to the doctor regularly to make sure we are healthy.

This should also carry over to the calling that God has placed on us in our family and ministry.

Striving for health is harder than fighting for balance

One of the reasons we are continually fighting for balance rather than striving for health is that it is easier to measure balance.  It is easier to stand back and look at how we are spending our time and determine whether or not we are “balanced”.

Again though, how much time is spent where doesn’t necessarily tell us much about whether or not we are “healthy”.  Measuring health takes good communication, honest and frequent evaluation, and being very, very intentional.

Striving for health brings joy in Youth Ministry, where fighting for balance brings guilt.

Living and ministering from a healthy place really does bring joy.  When you are serving from a place of health, you will be able to enjoy, not just your ministry, but your ministry in a way you cannot otherwise.

If you are always fighting for balance, you will always be coming from a place of defeat.  This will inevitably leave you feeling guilty.

It won’t be long before you are looking for another position at another church.  You will convince yourself that “this church” demands too much of your time.  They don’t support you and your family as they should.

Before long you may find yourself turning bitter towards the church.  Obviously, you cannot succeed with your family or your ministry when this is the case.

If though you desire to be in Youth Ministry for the longer haul; if you desire to not only just survive in Youth ministry, but thrive in Youth Ministry, then you must stop fighting for balance.  Instead strive for health.

So what about you?  Are you spending your time and effort fighting for balance or striving for health?  How have you seen this play out in your life?  What boundaries have you set to ensure that you are striving for health in your family AND ministry?

Leave a comment below and let me know.

Photo credits: Christopher A. Dominic / Foter / CC BY

DieselDemon / Foter / CC BY